Abstinence...maiden Ferguson

in retrospect 45 years...I decided to give myself a break so I can claim all my abstinence 9+ years of Clinton law abstinence!Meaning I tried once and failed 6+ consistent no contact at all.
I grew up in a bad area fighting for my right to be a nice girl why should a man be faithful to me when the girl next door will do all the things I won't for a 5 dollar rock? why should he stay with me if the girl next door is a dancer who will support him and his bad habits?Why should he stay with me if I won't let him bully talk down to hit push even punch?...I have encountered this and more so I say is there a better choice outside abstinence? My greatest reason my children how can I teach them a better way if I don't set the examples that show them the way? When I was a little girl I saw myself with one man my whole life I saw myself in a home with lots of kids!At the age of 28 I tied my tubes under duress as I will not bring another fatherless child into this cruel world that ignores them!This was the beginning of when I shut down now that I can't have children I don't want sex and I don't need a man.Although my example did more harm than good with my daughter my boys have both fulfilled my greatest wish for them respect and expect the same!I have no regrets and for the most part I don't even get lonely anymore which is sometimes scary but I know in my heart if there is a soul mate for me he will find me when I least expect it.For now it's my greatest example not just for my family but anyone in need.By taking the sex out of my view of a man I can now walk a moment in his shoes and even find compassion where there is so much anger!I am abstinent because I love the under dog I always have and still do I see myself with a man who walked a path like mine and like me lived long enough to talk about it.I guess I wait for the under dog who digs his way back to the top!

My Brother...

To those who weren't there?...when my mother tormented him because our father was buried on his birthday she turned his day into her day and slowly ripped away at his spirit...when she left him homeless with 10 dollars and promises that she would return 14 he's on the streets I am homeless as well so all I can do is let him hang out with me during the day at night I'd cry for hours knowing he was homeless...when we all  5 chased mom around the house trying to keep her from leaving digging her nails in your arms cursing us she always got her way and she always came home all beat up...hanging out smokin a little something talking laughing trying to be normal when life just won't have it...I miss my brother so much because he is all I have and I fear something will happen and he'll never know just how much I miss him his family we have scattered and my heart breaks.

This blog was inspired by a face book  post from my daughter to me this is not the song she posted Blurry Puddle of Mud...the meaning is the same. This is the song that makes me cry this blog was a little emotional for that reason. I don't speak of my siblings alot because they have all been absent except my brother I don't speak of him because his story breaks my heart and I can do nothing to help him.For now I pray that just maybe someday I will help him I will be waiting.

Dear God...

Amen.

Server by trade

In the business 23 years now. As a single mom this was the only way for me for many years it kept us comfortable. We moved a lot but we had each other we were never hungry and I often made room for fun times. Honestly this this is everything I could possibility ask for under the circumstances of my life.
Written by Lisa inspired by Tracy ...the server is judged from the moment the guest arrives if the hostess is rude the server is judged if the server is polite but slow he is judged if the cooks line crashes the server is judged if the manager dosent give into the demands of a guest whose probably having a bad day the server is judged with no tip. To have a bad day in the service industry has become the ordinary occurance weeks at a time I starve I can't even afford to be homeless! Do you know how many hours a week I work 3. 6 hours serving complaining guest serving his food while I fight to keep a roof over my head I'm thankful for one meal a day two on a good day.
In recent years I've witnessed the guest complete control they are quite literally always right at the expense of the server who could loose his job with enough complaints true or not?
I'm thinking I want out but what the hell will I do? Will I turn into a hermit as work is my social life which is what's kept me in the business this long. Soon my material nest and menopause mabe I should ponder awhile longer?

A Boy Named Tyke...

I wasn't going to include this photo because of how it came to me then after thinking about it for awhile I decided that I harbor no shame.When it came to me I was in a circle with my two other boys those of you who know what that means will understand the rest of the blog for those who don't know the experience was amazing!The photo is a mug shot marijuana under 20 grams! After receiving the photo I could see his place between my two boys I wonder what our lives would be like?...
    If by chance he ever finds this blog please don't be upset that I used this photo first it was the only one I have second don't be shamed by this as it can always be worse I know because I have been there.

A Boy Named Tyke

I have made so many mistakes creating a dark path not easily followed. In the midst of this path I am given a special boy named Tyke his story has kept the light on so I may have a clear vision of who I am and the truth in my heart. It dose not begin well to keep the humor alive I was messed up on drugs blacked out 3days came to with my ears pierced and pregnant by a man I would not have slept with otherwise as he was a junkie! Anyway I turned up pregnant living from hotel to hotel on s orange blossom tr in Orlando I'm homeless wit one child already what will I do. Two angels saved my life the first Linda she took me in and helped me pull myself together just another example of the many serrogates that raised me. Next Buffy...Tykes adopted mother. I gave them the gift of a son they gave me Buffy! She saved my life by simply acknowledging the fighter side of my character. She was like a life coach no matter how she finds me she only points out the awesome parts of whatever mess I've gotten myself into. We lost touch in 1998 and I miss my Buffy! As for the boy named Tyke he is a young man now lives not far from me I believe he already knows where I am the first move must be his as I made sure his search for me wouldn't be a need to know search it would be a just because search.
I look back now and I see why Buffy saw in me what I couldn't see myself I never once had a second thought giving Buffy. Alan my son just seeing the joy was enough to convince me that I was doing the right thing. Some day I will meet him as his birth mother and friend his mom is Buffy. I was able to give back to the serrogate seed that gives to me on a daily basis. I am thankful my God gave me this chance.

Diary of a single mom...*422

April 13 2012...soon my material nest will empty out I just turned 45 with nothing to show for my path outside my good spirit. Because of my faith in Christ and his book of revelations I also believe in Satan and he is the one who takes all that I have or dreamed of having. He can take from me every material thing I have he will never have my spirit because that belongs to my Christ.
     As a child I knew I would create great change in my own path...29:11 I'd marry my high school sweetheart we'd have a big family and a place to call home my children would only hear my mothers drunken stories of a horrid childhood with my own sober voice. They would NEVER take a blow to any part of their body they wold NEVER be spoken to as if they had no rights...this was my first promise to God my children first ALWAYS zero tolerance for any form of domestic violence...at the age of 18 I took the last blow to my head thankful it wasn't to late. If I did need proof that my God is real that would be it as every blow I took should have killed me!This was only the beginning of my journey along a dark cursed path it would seem as if I were plagued from birth as I still wear the name of another man that's not my father death of my blood father and my mothers broken spirit...this is all I know of family the gift of the surrogate seed if not for the many families outside my own that filled just the right void at just the right time keeping my passion for change alive. Of course my life doesn't work out as I planned it as a child...this is my legacy of a single moms work shirt inspired by Leslie and Casey2012...two pink butterflies white ribbon of sackcloth violence against women these girls were both beautiful young and hard working single moms a story I know to well.I feel the need to include them in my story because they justify my insisting on zero abuse of any kind.I will welcome any and all who come to me with good intent my nest is full of surrogates  if you ruffle the feathers in my open nest be prepared to fight for your life if that's what it takes to remove the conflict that's ruffling my feathers.  In the end  they are true witnesses to my character no matter how extreme my behavior gets no matter how dark or unknown the path ahead may seem if it keeps the abuse away from my children so be it. My high school sweetheart beat me up I've played so many head games I've gotten good at it...I most recently sent my mother packing with a domestic violence charge she is a mean selfish alcholic that refuses to change and exhausted every chance I'm willing to give her for the first time in 45 years I'm done with my mother. you can't save one who doesn't want to be saved she only wants someone to blame and full attention...she had literally consumed me when that day happened!
now for the men in my life there are none!I had only a few good experiences in my path before I decided I am better off alone. I could tell that story in one short bog but that's another day today is about why what have I accomplished and I struggle to answer those questions and more.I have separated  my existence into two parts material and spiritual otherwise I would have crumbled along time ago. Materially I am bankrupt  spiritually I empty out my material nest keeping my promise to God my children ...always come first.
     A mother to her only daughter...numbers 30:12...you are worthy and God will forgive you.
     A mother to her boys...numbers 32:23...your sin will surely find you out respect your wife and children and expect the same in return.
This is my final testimony as a single mom the revision to that childhood dream is taking me to other places that are in my heart. Religion?...I follow Christ with a passion for his truth.This is where my heart is taking me because God exposed the important meaning of ones right to have a place to exist without fear of being conquered .

A Mother and her only daughter...

A Mother and her two sons...

Dose God have a wife?...

If God created us in his image would it not be safe to believe he had a wife?As a mother myself I have to ask where do I fit into Gods master plan for why we all suffer the same sackcloth of corruption?
   Why was Eve chosen to fall first luring Adam to follow her? Why did Mary have to suffer a virgin birth raising her son with a serrogate?Why dose God hide her true spirit leaving little to no footprint in history? If by Gods grace we are never fatherless why would he leave us without a righteous mother? I have to believe my righteous creator has a plan for the female seed as a single mom of 3 my children are fatherless because of my zero tolerance for any form of domestic violence which goes way beyond the many blows Ive taken to my head as a child as an adult never again!
In my search for the answer to where do I fit in...Mother Nature this is Gods wife for it is the fine balance of time and nature that allows for all existence in eternity. She is the free will of choice and justice for choice made this is why she was chosen to take the blame and wear the sackcloth of shame and guilt in the end it's her justice that will set things right for our people. God doesn't put us on a path he creates us for the path. For every hardship there is a greater cause of awareness the power of the voice...through Christ God simply took his long time companion for his wife he is the coat of life that allows God to have a face for those who need a face. I myself am a big fan of the spirit once you find it I promise there is no doubt outside what you can't see!

  On this Easter I want to take a moment to thank Mary for her great sacrafice as a mother myself I can't imagine how this might hurt?As I suffer my sackcloth I know I am not alone a righteous creator must have a reason for why he allows it nothing else makes good sense.

Passion for my Christ

Easter...2012
  Passion for my Christ *4767two gentile witnesses to Father time's war with Satan's Six.The Holy war of good against evil.
I believe in destiny a master plan or blueprint of sackcloth that forms an example of a world without Gods sole authority. The gift of salvation has nothing to do with why God gave us Christ he came to suffer with us! I believe only a chosen few will know hell every man will have his own supernatural experience that drives him home to God. For most the angel whisper will bring him home a chosen few will never be lost in the first place. When I die my God won't have to remind me where I have been my deeds...I am already aware of my truth with a clear understanding of what I'm suppose to do with my great suffering or sackcloth!
    This holiday season I'd like to acknowledge the true suffering of Christ as I believe his coat of life wore the same blindfold with only a strong gut feeling telling him what he must do. I don't believe he knew his destiny only that he was special he was humble by nature he was a great man and a loving kind forgiving son of God.
God did not sacrifice his only son to save us from our sins he sent him to suffer with us then return to fight for us! When you view the Crucifixion this way it brings the passion for Christ to life. For me it just makes sense of why God allows sin and suffering in the first place including his own son. As you celebrate such a disturbing event and ask yourself why remember this is proof you are not forsaken God suffers with you when the time is just right for a complete understanding he will reveal why.
According to King James Genesis 4004 BCE we just crossed over Satan's Six...1996=6000...1997=6.1
God gave Satan a 6 not a 6.1 the first phase of his 7...greater than 6 but less than 7...*67 the second gentile 1967=Jewish State of Israel...the time has come! My theory 12- 21 not the end of the world as Satan wants us to believe but rather the beginning of his end. I believe also Armageddon is rapture the holy ghost of Christ will empower us to take back all the good taken in Satan's aftermath!God is real and he is already here!